When I retired in November, I was exhausted. I am regaining my energy, my good-humor, and who I am at my core. But, it’s going to take a year of rest to get all the way there.
The best analogy I can make is to a race horse who has finished its racing career and is going to be retrained as a pleasure or competitive horse in another discipline. The first thing that is done with the horse is putting them out in a big green pasture for six months (or more) and letting them just “be a horse.” I have seen the magic of this with both Tex and Lucy. Neither are race horses but both came here tightly wound. Lucy came from a rigorous training life in show barns and Tex from competitive rodeo where he suffered some trauma.
The past six years have been a blur. For the first four years after we moved here, I worked for a large, multi-State company. I had come from a small, community system where I had strong connections and market knowledge. It was a very steep learning curve for me, learning a new market and a new company, but I liked my co-workers and I liked learning. Ultimately, though, I realized that working in a corporate silo wasn’t a good fit and I left to work at a small, regional HealthPlan that provides healthcare to the poor. It was a much better place for me. But, the department I was hired to run was a mess. Initially, I was full of energy and ideas — I could see the problems and I knew how to fix them. I was focused on making my team rock stars and our department a well-oiled machine. But, there were far more problems than I realized. For everything I fixed, five more broken systems would be revealed. It was exhausting. I worked long hours and had a very long commute (two hours each way). Eventually, I just couldn’t do it anymore. One day, as I walked past my assistant’s desk, she said, “Are you okay?”
“Why?” I asked
“Because I’ve never seen you look so defeated.”
I thought, She’s right. That is exactly how I feel. Defeated.
So, I retired. A bit earlier than in the original plan. But I was tired of being tired; I couldn’t focus; I couldn’t retain information; I was forgetting things; and I was snapping at my husband. I didn’t do anything at home except eat and sleep. Enough of that noise.
Now, I wake with the sun and not with an alarm. I cook and garden and read books. I play with Sage. I hug Lucy and hang out with Tex. And if I don’t feel like doing anything productive, I don’t. I’m learning how to smile and laugh again, and I’m enjoying the company of friends and family. I loved Christmas. Decorating and baking and shopping didn’t feel like pressure; it was thoughtfully done, with love and intent. I reveled in the time with my kids and my dad. I relaxed into the moments.
Restore. That’s the goal. Restore myself to me. Restore my happy core and nurture it.
